What this has to do with anything
The various threads converge…
When the regular R5 carrier returns, which will apparently happen soon, my hold down of his route will end. At that point I will go back to being a regular RCA, on call six days a week and grabbing whatever hours get tossed my way. In other words, I go back to being underemployed and with an income of startling variation.
My church is not doing well.
The pastor of my church (Will) is likely to move sometime during the first half of this year. When he moves, he will leave the parsonage and the next pastor will move in. My family shares the parsonage with Will, so we move when he moves. Therefore our free housing (with utilities and amenities such as high speed internet included) comes to an end, and probably so does all of my involvement with my current church.
My wife, though she does have a full time job with comprehensive benefits, does not make nearly enough to support the family.
See what I said about uncertainty? I’ve been wandering this landscape for some time now, but in the middle of last night I awoke with thoughts of “what the hell am I going to do?” bouncing around in my brain. It’s the first time I’ve had such thoughts since early 2003 when I realized that it was time to leave my beloved church/community/career in Ohio.
Seeking the God of Uncertainty
This is my primary image of God now. He is the Lord of Uncertainty. He may not change, but the world He created does, and constantly. He may be entirely certain of the plan he is unfolding, but his children who live within its bounds and with its consequences are not. More to the point, he may know the plans he has for me, sayeth the Lord, but I don’t know if they include a hope and a future. That, plus he never promised me a rose garden.
And I’m okay with that.
Most of the time.
Still, there are those odd waking moments such as those that occurred last night. Moments when my mind makes a mad grasp at the periapt of certainty and comfort and finds no charm or magic talisman.
I think I noticed another gray hair this morning.
