What this has to do with anything
The various threads converge…
When the regular R5 carrier returns, which will apparently happen soon, my hold down of his route will end. At that point I will go back to being a regular RCA, on call six days a week and grabbing whatever hours get tossed my way. In other words, I go back to being underemployed and with an income of startling variation.
My church is not doing well.
The pastor of my church (Will) is likely to move sometime during the first half of this year. When he moves, he will leave the parsonage and the next pastor will move in. My family shares the parsonage with Will, so we move when he moves. Therefore our free housing (with utilities and amenities such as high speed internet included) comes to an end, and probably so does all of my involvement with my current church.
My wife, though she does have a full time job with comprehensive benefits, does not make nearly enough to support the family.
See what I said about uncertainty? I’ve been wandering this landscape for some time now, but in the middle of last night I awoke with thoughts of “what the hell am I going to do?” bouncing around in my brain. It’s the first time I’ve had such thoughts since early 2003 when I realized that it was time to leave my beloved church/community/career in Ohio.
Seeking the God of Uncertainty
This is my primary image of God now. He is the Lord of Uncertainty. He may not change, but the world He created does, and constantly. He may be entirely certain of the plan he is unfolding, but his children who live within its bounds and with its consequences are not. More to the point, he may know the plans he has for me, sayeth the Lord, but I don’t know if they include a hope and a future. That, plus he never promised me a rose garden.
And I’m okay with that.
Most of the time.
Still, there are those odd waking moments such as those that occurred last night. Moments when my mind makes a mad grasp at the periapt of certainty and comfort and finds no charm or magic talisman.
I think I noticed another gray hair this morning.
18 comments
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December 28, 2007 at 11:44 pm
Julie
Jim, all I can say is that I’ll pray. I got nothin’ else. I know uncertainty to a degree, but I don’t worry about a house or family…
Carey Grant had gray hairs.
December 28, 2007 at 11:48 pm
Jim
Flannel too.
Or was that Gregory Peck?
December 29, 2007 at 12:11 am
Julie
(Umm. I don’t know. Carey Grant was handsome. I know that much. I like to stick to the important facts.)
I could send you my cat, if that would help.
I can’t see how it would.
I’m a generous person.
December 29, 2007 at 12:23 am
Gwynne
I’ll be praying also. Just remember, you’ve got plenty of skilz. One thing I know (to borrow from Will), God will carry you through. God and Julie’s cat.
December 29, 2007 at 5:04 am
Rick
This sure seems to be the day of heart-wrenching, gut-spilling posts, doesn’t it?
December 29, 2007 at 8:06 am
Jim
No additional cats are necessary. The two that are here provide more than ample therapy.
Thank you, though. You are quite generous.
Rick,
Yes, I guess today was the day. I read yours seconds after I posted these. I had no idea!
December 29, 2007 at 12:49 pm
beth
While I’m late to the game here, I’ll be praying as well.
I already pawned my cat off on my dad and he loves him dearly, so I can’t really offer it. However, I have a stuffed animal in the form of a cat I’d be happy to mail to you.
I’ve been grappling lately with the God of Uncertainty as well – because He created me as the person of control freakishness. (Either that or it’s the most in-rooted form of original sin in my life – perhaps a little of both since I don’t see a need for control as 100% a bad thing.) The word surrender has never been easy on my tongue and yet more and more I find myself understanding the prayer of “Not my will, but yours.” The situation isn’t the same, but the uncertainty is definitely related.
And while it made me angry when this was Tim’s response, after some time to myself to really understand the truth of it, I’ll pass on his trite but wise words, “It’s in God’s hands.” Because it is – and after I got over being angry, I saw the comfort of that.
December 29, 2007 at 3:02 pm
Jim
Beth,
It is indeed in God’s hands and I do find comfort in that. I’m really not uncomfortable in this situation. The only thing I’m wondering about is whether I should be doing more about it or not. And if so, what?
December 29, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Stephen
I’m sorry to hear all this is going on; I sort of know where you’re coming from, and will be praying for you. Somehow it will turn out all right, bud.
December 29, 2007 at 8:08 pm
Ron Wilkes
As you know Jim, I can definitely understand your situation since I go through it too. That said, I thankfully don’t have to worry about a family or about helping keep a roof over their heads.
Concerning God, Matthew 6:25-26 came to mind. In it Jesus mentions the birds who do not sow, reap or stow any food and yet God feeds them. How much more will he watch over you who are more valuable than any bird.
That said, I’d try to find out how many hours you can expect from your supervisor once the carrier on R5 comes back. If it isn’t many, and depending on your situation, you could see about taking a second job. When I first started working at the Post Office, I also worked at Medieval Times at Arundel Mills. It was a hassle juggling the two jobs but, the extra money was nice.
Good luck to you and I’ll say a prayer for you too hoping that things turn out all right for you and your family. Chin up dude!
December 29, 2007 at 8:48 pm
Jim
Once there is an official announcement about the R5 carrier coming back, I may do that very thing, Ron. As of today, there has been no official word about it either way. I have talked to the regular carrier a couple of times (I used to be his sub and we get along pretty well), the last time being one week ago. He hasn’t heard anything yet either.
The current schedule still has me on it every day.
December 29, 2007 at 11:54 pm
Cowtown Pattie
Sheez, I haven’t dropped over here in a while, and I am sorry you are going through a tough time!
Maybe my laughs and philosophy helped
this evening.
Hang in there, and remember, you still don’t live in a (ahem) bus.
December 30, 2007 at 12:00 am
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May 14, 2008 at 11:28 pm
Marissa Miller
Jim,
I never saw this post until you linked to it recently, and I’m glad I did. I really needed to read about “The God of Uncertainty” because I feel like EVERYTHING in my life is uncertain and I’m never sure what God has in store for me next. And I’m on a need-to-know basis kind of person! It’s very tough trying to follow God’s will for my life without being completely sure as to what it is. I suppose it’s pretty simple: Love God with your whole heart and love your neighbor as yourself. I suppose if I do that, then God’s will will (<–grammatically correct) fall into place, right?
January 30, 2009 at 9:51 am
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